Sealing the Wound
A lost puppy among the crowd resembled myself on the first day of middle school, not only was I lost in the halls, but inside my own mind as well. In my cheap Wal-Mart clothing and messy hair I started off my new life. Never before have I been judged for my appearance, but just of my personality. Those who love me, making me feel special and cared about, have always surrounded me. Once I started Kimbrough Middle School, however, that changed in a heartbeat. Suddenly my best friends and loving family weren’t there to protect me. Separate halls divided me from those I have grown to be comfortable to. That day was the start of a new but unwanted life. As soon as 7th grade started I wanted it to end with my life to go along with it.
By the middle of the year things have begun to heat up. Small comments were escaping the bitter lips of random people. The words, “Poor, worthless, freak, weird, fat, untalented, annoying, overdramatic, and mostly ugly” echoed through my head and the halls where I stood. These things are the farthest from what defines me, but a certain group of people made that stick. Although these messages were small, they hit hard and fast and began to kill me slowly inside. Never before have I dealt with such horrid behavior and dark souls. Kindness didn’t seem to be the only chain reaction that year but cruelty as well. At first things didn’t get to me, but somewhere in the mix I snapped and hit rock bottom. The emotions ran high and my self-esteem went 6 feet under the ground. This broke me to the point where I didn’t care who saw me fall apart. Many days I was in tears and left to be laughed at by those who didn’t see past the outer shell of my being. There have been many times I have considered suicide for an immense amount of reasons. The future I faced didn’t seem worth the pain, believing I was worthless I looked at the outcome if I went through with it, “No more annoyance, its one less mouth to feed in this world, nobody obviously cared about me or my pain, but most of all I believed they will get over it.” During all this I had a traumatic and life-threatening situation happen to me.
One day I was running down the street alone during a daily workout and I had a strange feeling bubbling up inside me, but I ignored it. Moving on with my business I saw an unfamiliar silver vehicle following me. The instinct in me told me to run, but I thought I was overreacting and kept going. To my shock this was not just a lost citizen, but this was a rapist. I stood there in shock when hearing the car slow down, I thought, this is the end. I stood there and turned stone white when the gun pointed to my face. He took a U-Turn to get to me, and do God knows what. At the perfect time where he was faced away and not able to see me, I felt a shot of adrenaline run through my veins. Sprinting back to my house I felt a strange presence come over me as the tears ran down my face. God was definitely there that day to keep me safe. But I will always remember the look on my attackers face when he saw me standing there; the baldhead and tattoos stay with me forever.
After that I went to school as scared as ever. To my shock, the whole school had heard about it and figured out it was me. Even more surprising, I was battered and made fun of for it. Sick jokes emerged like, “You liked it, you should have gone with him, and Toni likes em’ bald!” By the end of the year I was at the point of no return and my feet began to slip out from under me.That summer was the hardest part, but also the extreme measure that lifted me up. The depression seemed to increase as I lay bed ridden, soaked in tears and my own despair.
The day 8th grade started I looked in the mirror and saw a sad, lonely, and depressed girl. But when I looked deeper past the reflection I saw a small light that only had room to grow brighter. The future was so hard to reach, but took an extreme amount of courage to grab. I took that light and carried it with me and left that girl in the mirror. She tries to visit every once in a while and bring me down, but only for a short time. However, there were many things that brought me to the point of growth in my life. These people included; my father, a special teacher, and my group of friends in 8th grade. My dad told me, “No matter what, there is always someone in this world who loves you more than life itself.” That is what I live by today if I ever go through a hard time. The teacher, Mrs. Johnson, would catch me at the worst of moments and do all so can to help without judgment. Most of all is my friends in 8th grade that I met during theatre and plays. They shared my passion, never judged me, and accepted me for who I am with open arms.
These certain friends in the “group” are my support system who I know will catch me when I fall, and showed me how I can be myself and be loved. Each of these moments were stitches in the closing of a giant wound. It is healed now, but the scar reminds me of the past that brought me to where I am today. God has been the biggest influence in my life, and I live for him and my savior Jesus Christ everyday of my life, and I hope that I will be able to find those purposes they kept me alive through all the times I have beaten the odds for. I know now that I am going to make a big impact somehow in this world, or I wouldn’t have been here today.
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